5 Tips for Not Getting Drunk at a Kids’ Party

As parents, we all deal with peer pressure. The control we exercise at home evaporates in a group setting, where mob mentality quickly takes over. You can only hope that the values instilled have formed a solid foundation for making intelligent choices.

Like when you get invited a backyard birthday party for your kid’s friend and someone immediately hands you a bottle of beer or asks if you want red or white wine. It can be a tricky situation, especially if you have to stay sober enough to get something done later in the afternoon. You don’t want to appear rude, and you don’t want to look like a loser who can’t handle his booze before noon either. Thankfully the Splimm Team is here to help you avoid getting too daytime smashed!

 

1. Don’t just be the designated driver, make a stupid dad joke about it.

As soon as someone offers you a drink, in a tone slightly louder than your usual speaking voice, let them know that you have to stay sober for the drive home. You’ll instantly earn a certain level of respect by demonstrating how responsible you are, which can then be taken down one or two levels by saying something like: “And Tyler plans on getting pretty drunk. You only turn 10 once, you know!” They’ll have to laugh politely. You’re the designated driver.

 

2. Sneak something else into the party.

If the party’s in a local park, you might not be able to get away with the driving excuse and will have to pretend you enjoy drinking early in the day. Buy a six-pack of beer or cider and, before the party starts, empty the contents of one bottle, replacing it with something non-alcoholic, and return the cap. Be careful when opening not to bend the cap too much. Keep your special bottle in the corner closet to your body when you enter the child’s birthday party, show everyone that you brought just enough to share with five other parents, and then immediately open your special bottle. This way you will not only fit in, you can encourage others’ drinking and continue to support the beer/wine/spirits industry, all without having to get drunk yourself.

 

3. Tell everyone you’re already pretty drunk.

Make up a story about how you had a business meeting at brunch and had one-too-many cocktails. Drinking during weekend business meetings is classy AF in the new economy, and all the parents and all the kids at the party will know who the real baller is. You’ll have to play a convincing drunk though, which not everyone can do.

 

4. Say you got pretty drunk last night.

When someone offers you a beer or a glass of wine, grab your head and whisper something like: “Uggh, maybe I shouldn’t. Went a little crazy last night. Kids were with their nana…” and trail off, leaving them to imagine the debauchery. Then stress how you’re still not fully recovered, and maybe even woke up a little intoxicated. However, this may lead to someone suggesting you cure alcohol poisoning with some more (light) drinking.

 

5. Distract everyone with the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done while under the influence of alcohol.

Still having drinks pushed on you? Try subtly changing the subject. If necessary, embellish the story to include whatever drink you are being offered: “The last time I had a microbrew at 11:30 on a Sunday I ended up challenging my best friend’s mom to a fist fight in the snow outside a bar in Burlington, Vermont, threw up in one of those lending libraries, and woke up inside an abandoned juice cart.” This will establish your reputation as a party monster not to be unleashed around their children and will earn you more accolades than admitting you’re the designated driver.

 

*I love drinking alcohol! It’s the best. I enjoy having a pint of cider at happy hour, cocktails on date night with Jenn, or a glass of wine with dinner. These things are very nice. This article is in no way a condemnation of drinking or the role it plays in our culture. Cheers!