We hear a lot about resiliency these days – how mindset can determine outcomes, and how the ability to recover from setbacks can have a direct impact on success. Authors, scholars, and motivational speakers have embraced the concept as a key to mental health and emotional stability. Parents look to cultivate “grit” in our kids in the same way we teach them to read and to share. And evidence continues to demonstrate the importance of this trait in our development from childhood to well-adjusted adult.
Cylvia Hayes knows a bit about meeting enduring challenging times. After a very public character assassination, she discovered an ability to view her hardest experiences as pathways to growth and self-awareness. Now she coaches others on how to get back up after being knocked down.
Her advice is equally helpful for those who may not be experiencing such extremely personal difficulty, but who are simply trying to meet the unpredictability of life on Earth with strength and compassion. Those of us who feel overwhelmed by the onslaught of bad news. Those of us who are trying to raise socially-conscious children without traumatizing their young psyches. Those of us changemakers who are doing the damn work every day in our homes and communities. Cylvia’s got some valuable wisdom to share with us.
Jenn Lauder: We’ve talked previously about your passion for sustainability in cannabis, but there’s another strand to your work – life coaching and resiliency training. Why were you drawn to this?
Cylvia Hayes: In this most recent life transition, I’ve been through something extraordinary – three years worth of public shaming – which presented an abrupt and prolonged challenge. And part of my coping with that, which is something that I’ve always done and I’m grateful for, was to see this as an opportunity for massive growth.
So I really leaned into that. I started working with the Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes Coaches Training Institute, and, as I healed from the trauma, I began to realize that there were probably lessons from this experience that would be helpful to a whole lot of people. Partly because of what I’ve gone through, I’m at the point of my career where I want to have a bigger impact. Not by just being the changemaker, but by empowering fellow changemakers – entrepreneurs, artists, environmental and social change advocates – it’s my favorite work.
In Bhutan – this absolutely amazing, tiny little country, the newest democracy in the world – they have a Gross National Happiness index… I believe this little country is holding a special place for humanity.
JL: What’s the philosophy behind your coaching? How do you approach this journey with your clients?
CH: I come at it from the perspective that we’re spiritual beings having a human experience. How we interact with our inner environment fundamentally affects what we deliver in our outer environment.
I’ve had a meditation practice most of my adult life. When I was younger and was focused on being successful in corporate and political spheres, my spiritual practice would be the first to fall off the plate. But now I’ve shifted this priority. I don’t know if I would’ve made it through these last very difficult years if I didn’t have a meditation and mindfulness practice.
I was in seventh or eighth grade when, in my timber and cow town in the foothills of Washington state, I had a teacher who showed us how to meditate. I was lucky to experience that, and it stuck. I want to save the planet and change the world. And, at the end of the day, we’re only effective in as much as we attend to our inner life.
In Bhutan – this absolutely amazing, tiny little country, the newest democracy in the world – they have a Gross National Happiness index. This gets laughed at by some in the GDP addicted U.S., but it is actually a robust metric that they put their political and budgetary decisions through. It’s intentionally integrating mindfulness practices into daily life – and even into their schools. They call it ‘mental flossing.’ It’s part of their hygiene. It’s going beyond GDP. There’s a lot to learn there. I believe this little country is holding a special place for humanity.
JL: How has working with others in this capacity impacted your life?
CH: We wind up teaching what we need to learn the most. In a coaching situation, it’s a very fluid thing where you’re the teacher or the student. It’s not about giving them your wisdom, it’s helping them get to the place where they can access and trust their wisdom.
To parent well is such an incredible commitment and undertaking. The people who really, really want to do that – those are the folks who are going to give us a chance at straightening out our species.
JL: How do you shift from doing broad systemic work in cannabis and sustainability to this kind of deep interpersonal work?
CH: It’s not as black and white as it might look. I’ve been a consultant for a long time. Any good consultant is partially a coach, especially working with startup companies. In strategic planning work, there’s a lot of coaching anyway. I’d had a lot of training, as well as exposure to collaborative leadership and diversity and inclusion leadership. I’m also a previous fitness trainer, so working one-on-one work with people who are trying to improve aspects of their lives, I’ve always enjoyed that.
JL: Why might this type of personal work be particularly important for parents?
CH: Can you think of a harder job than being a good parent?! Does anything trigger you in a more challenging way or bring out the worst aspects of you? Our close relationships are our biggest challenge and biggest opportunity for growth. There’s no aspect where this is more important.
Also, with these little sponges known as children, how they see us behaving is more important than what we tell them to do. We’re energetic beings. If a parent can keep themselves grounded, react to challenge in a healthy way, this can have healing ripple effects.
To parent well is such an incredible commitment and undertaking. The people who really, really want to do that – those are the folks who are going to give us a chance at straightening out our species.
Remember: you can make a contribution to others even when you’re sitting in your own mess.
JL: Can you share some practical tips for building resiliency?
CH:
- If you don’t have a meditation and mindfulness practice in place, start yesterday! It doesn’t have to be hours of sitting; it doesn’t have to be a monastery in Bhutan. Read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, read Meditation for Dummies. I offer a Meditation for Smarties program. It’s really about taking some control of our mind. Start with that for sure.
- Be media savvy. Twenty-four-seven breaking news is scientifically designed to trigger us emotionally. News is newsworthy when it’s rare. I intentionally subscribe to positive news outlets, I publish a Changemaker Times newsletter, where I really only share the positive new economy developments that are happening. There’s enough doom and gloom out there.
- Get unplugged and get out into nature directly. Spend time with and learn from nature. A lot of us are so busy trying to save the planet that we never experience it.
- If something big blows up in your life, view it as a growth opportunity. Maybe this isn’t just happening to me, but for me. So I can grow and become better. The people who handle adversity most healthfully and positively are those who lean into the challenge as a chance for growth. And remember: you can make a contribution to others even when you’re sitting in your own mess.
