Get High & Get Your Beard Groomed: A Cool Dad’s Guide

Winter is hard. Your beard is too long. Take some time for self-care and grooming by eating a bunch of weed and getting your facial hair trimmed!

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Michael* likes weed. Michael is allowed to touch my face. Not because he likes weed. But it helps. Michael is a person who cuts hair. Sometimes at this point in the winter, it feels like I would endure many things from people who didn’t like weed at all if it meant going someplace other than where I spend most of my days. But I’m going to a place I like to have a haircut and beard trim. It’s always warm there and they have drinks. I don’t really drink. I am going to take a relaxing amount of cannabis and endure some things that sort of make me uncomfortable while I let Michael touch my face. It’s definitely a bonus that we’ll talk about weed.

Personal Growth

It took a lot of personal growth before I was ready to let someone else groom my beard. I don’t have a touching phobia, though I totally get it. It’s always been fine when Jenn touches my face. Now it’s fine when Michael does it. It’s more about trusting someone with something so visible as a facial haircut. The shape of my face felt like something I needed control over. But it’s really hard to see myself from all the angles. Getting it perfect and even by myself is almost impossible. I don’t give myself head-haircuts, I realized. You have to know what you can handle and what you can delegate.

I’m an introvert. Some time for myself has always been important. I’ve learned you have to work for it. I once had a job vacuuming floors at a department store and realized that if I worked efficiently no one would care if I went to the bathroom for extended periods of time once I was done. I was in high school. There were no cell phones. I’d just sit in a quiet room with the door locked. Maybe I’d try to squeeze a book into my 90s appropriate cargo pants. Sometimes I’d take a little nap. You don’t have to be a parent or hungover to find solace near the toilet. It’s a place of peace for everyone. 

Today though I’m going out in public. Because of balance and a need to hear different people talk. Besides, you can find lots of quiet places all over the day if you look for them and have the privilege of being a white Chad.

Personal Space

I can take a rideshare. I can wear headphones and take public transit without any fear of harassment. It’s an amazing privilege. Everyone should be able to ride whatever kind of transportation they want without being bothered. It can be a place of quiet meditation, so long as everyone respects everyone else’s space. If someone does talk to me, a stranger, at this point it will be about my facial hair.

As my beard gets bigger, the only thing anyone will talk to me about in public is my beard. “Nice beard,” they’ll say. Or they’ll pretend stroke their chin like an old movie villain, which is the universal sign for: “I see your beard and I think something of it.” I’ll be especially unkept today. Michael says it’s easier to cut an untamed beard that hasn’t been treated with the oils and balms my wife got me for Christmas. I asked the last time.

They have beer here. The last place I went regularly had hard liquor. My stomach can’t really handle alcohol, but I do like the balanced relaxation that comes with cannabis. There are very few places to legally consume what I legally just bought so I’m going to eat some weed. Eating isn’t for everyone. I am literally a trained professional. I understand my limits and how much I can take before I’ve had too much.

For me, it’s the closest I can get to having cannabis out in the open until we launch Chad’s Coffee, Comics, and Cannabis (patent pending, currently vetting angel investors and social media campaign managers). It’s also the most overall relaxing way for me to enjoy the experience. I tend to feel the effects in my body a little more and I rarely get paranoid or overwhelmed so long as I’m mindful about the amount I consume.

Time to Chill the Fuck Out

Patience isn’t easy for me. Eating some weed and waiting for a haircut is kind of like patience training. I found a place I trust that doesn’t take reservations so the wait time is out of my hands. It’s a good way for me to practice living with my totally regular amount of anxiety. I bring a book because I hate my stupid phone. I also bring my phone because maybe I don’t feel like reading a book.

The important thing is that I’m ready to wait if I have to wait. Sometimes there are stylists available when I walk in but I’m going to stand by for Michael. He has earned my trust. Sometimes he uses a photographer’s light to make sure everything looks right. Michael is fucking awesome.

Michael really likes to eat weed too. We talk about how we’re not big drinkers, or big smokers anymore as we get older. Eating weed is our thing, like some people really like sour beer or specific colors of wine. We talk in a respectful way. If someone else overhears us that’s okay. He can’t believe how far we’ve come, just in ten years, and how far we have to go before we truly understand the benefits of cannabis. How and why it works. He’s a good talker.

Time to Shut the Fuck Up

I’m never sure how much I’m supposed to make conversation in these kinds of situation. How much talking is too much. Uber? I don’t mind a quiet ride. In this situation I like it when the person who is always coming so close to touching my eyeballs with sharp things makes a little bit of distracting small talk. Even though I’m an introvert, something happens when I get around people but things are too quiet, and I start talking. Michael’s conversation skills mean I won’t have to worry as much when I get home about how dumb everything I said was.

They give me a hot towel when I’m done and the hair product of my choice. I make sure to give Michael a big tip. He’s provided me with more than facial symmetry. Going outside, feeling comfortable and relaxed, talking with an intelligent human: these things are always important. I don’t need cannabis to enjoy these things. But I sure do like it.

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*Name changed to protect the innocent.